Don't-Worry-About-It

So after tonight's episode will you be watching season five of teen wolf? i won't be, but i'm curious about what you thought of this season and whether or not it impacted your opinion of the show. from Anonymous

provocative-envy:

Ah, Teen Wolf.

You know, prior to last week, I was conscientiously defending the writing of this show. In fact, I even went so far as to make a few predictions about the outcome of this season—I was so sure I was right, too, because I was basing these predictions off of silly things like film theory and patterns in the narrative structure and, like, logic.

I was so sure that the gaping, cavernous plot holes that had been cropping up since 3A were going to lead somewhere.

I was so sure that the fucking flagrant assassinationof one of my favorite fictional characters and everything he stood for was a clue that there would be an eleventh-hour twist in the story.

So, I did my usual, cursory, wine-soaked re-watch of the season a few days ago—and that was when I began to suspect I might be wrong. It occurred to me that the Benefactor arc was nonsensical, overblown, and poorly resolved; it occurred to me that it was borderline offensive that Parrish was the character to bring up dead-but-clearly-never-mourned Allison Argent to Chris, especially within the context of a scene that seemed like it was explicitly written for Derek Hale; and it occurred to me that Lydia Martin had approximately nineteen minutes of cumulative screen time and that I knew far more than I wanted to about Liam and his PTSD.

Spirits dampened, I made the executive decision to shake all that off and be cautiously optimistic for the finale—and because I’m a fucking champ, I wrote some Sterek to make myself feel better and moved on, certain that at the very least I would be vindicated by Double Derek on Monday night.

Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

Oh, was I not.

I could go on, at length, about the technical errors that made this season of Teen Wolf almost unwatchable. I could talk about the bizarre pacing, the glaring lack of narrative identity, and the useless addition of new characters. I could bring up the problematic consent elements of the romantic relationships. I could write an entire essay about my issues with how the writers chose to tackle Malia’s integration into the story.

But none of those things matter as much to me as Derek Hale does, so I’m going to focus on him.

I answered an ask a few weeks ago about how I didn’t believe that Draeden was being sold as a legitimate romance—I cited canon-based character traits and scenarios as evidence, and was confident that I was correct.

Like—I am a writer. I am well-versed in reading subtext, and I was a three credits away from a achieving a minor in Film Studies as an undergrad. I have worked as a screenwriter, professionally. I understand the subtleties and symbolism that can be found within the confines of a visual medium like television, and I understand the difference between being shown something and being told something.

I therefore thought that there was no possible way that the Derek Hale who was passively accepting his debacle of a season four fate could actually be real.

No possible way.

Spoiler alert: I was wrong.

A heart-wrenchingly perfect character was fucking decimated for the sake of a pointless, abysmally-conceived romantic subplot.  

This isn’t about shipping. I like Sterek, but I’m not emotionally invested in it. I could not give any fewer fucks about whether or not it ever goes canon. My frustration and my disappointment and, yeah, my fucking venomous rage about Draeden has nothing to do with shipping and everything to do with how very much the writers had to twist and pull and stretch the fabric of Derek Hale’s character to make the relationship work.

Seriously.

The Derek Hale that existed in the first three seasons? He would never have shrugged and huffed out a fatalistic sigh upon discovering that he was no longer a werewolf. The Bite was a gift to him, remember? He treasured his supernatural status—it was one of his last remaining connections to his family. The family he loved, fiercely, and whose deaths he considered himself responsible for.

But season four Derek?

Nah.

He was way more interested in worshipping at the altar of True Alpha Werewolf Messiah Scott McCall and kicking back with the kill-for-hire Kate-clone at his creepy loft—you know, the same creepy loft where he murdered Boyd. Fun times, am I right? Because, yeah, it’s totally feasible that Derek would choose to move back there and set up an Fatal Attraction love nest with his incompetent mercenary girlfriend after being tortured and magically de-aged by his psychotic, inexplicably-back-from-the-dead-as-a-werejaguar ex-girlfriend.

Totally.

Derek would never be proactive enough to, like, try and maybe figure out the whole turning-human clusterfuck. That would be stupid.

More significantly, though, it would take away from invaluable, character-building Draeden sexy-times. Because fuck yeah romance! Never mind the two actors not having any discernable physical chemistry—they’re both aesthetically pleasing, no one will notice!

And that Deadpool thing? I mean, I guess that it’s reasonable for Derek to be more concerned about his aforementioned incompetent mercenary girlfriend’s shadily acquired gunshot wound than, you know, literally anything else.

Lydia showing up like the fucking Firestarter girl in the middle of the night to banshee scream rightin Derek’s face? She was probably just on her period or something. I’ve heard that shit can get pretty serious.

Orphaned teenaged assassins? Whatevs—Satomi’s pack definitely needed some fat trimmed off, it’s all good.

Potentially deadly supernatural virus outbreak at the local high school? Psh, it’s not like Derek personally knows or canonically cares about anyone who might be affected by that, right?

Right?

Oh, wait.

But Andrea, I can hear you all shouting at me, Derek was EVOLVING. He was turning into a WOLF, just like his MOM, and therefore DEVELOPMENT HAPPENED.

Um.

No.

Development did not happen. Derek turned into a wolf instead of dying, and I imagine we were all supposed to glean from that that he mystically knew all along what was happening and that’s why he was casually taking one for the team because Braeden was there for a reason, goddamn it, and that reason centered almost exclusively on Derek’s dick.

I just—

There was no build-up to his evolution. There was no explanation for Derek’s incredibly strange behavior all season, there was no comprehensible catalyst for the full-shift change—there was nothing for him, right up until the very end, and what was eventually there didn’t even make sense.

And it’s frustrating. Because Derek Hale was a brilliant character, okay?

Derek Hale was nuanced and tragic and deeply, painfully layered. Derek Hale was brave, and Derek Hale was vulnerable, and Derek Hale never gave up. He was self-sacrificing and he was understatedly heroic—he was impulsive, he was complicated, he was lonely. He was guilty. He had to bury his older sister’s body, get unfairly accused of her murder, and then kill his own uncle. He always tried to do the right thing, even when the right thing was objectively wrong. He was arrogant. He was a victim. He was terrified of failing, of not living up to his dead family’s legacy, of hurting innocent people. He wanted Scott McCall to trust him. He wanted to build a pack. He was distant. He was guarded. He was easy to manipulate, and he knew it—and, most importantly, he hated it. He had a dry sense of humor and lived like he was constantly on the run and was perpetually wary of strangers’ intentions. He wasn’t human, but he made human mistakes.

In short, Derek Hale was a fucking masterpiece.

And then season four happened.

tl;dr

To answer your original question, anon—

No, I won’t be watching season five of Teen Wolf. 


saltwaterandink:

leviswaxedass:

dahniwitchoflight:

leviswaxedass:

disneydamselestelle:

scottylubemeup:

THIS WAS A CHILDRENS MOVIE
A CHILDRENS BIBLE MOVIE

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Amen

FUN FACT: in hebrew, “feet” is a euphemism for genitals.
so if you ever see “washing feet” in the bible, it, uh. yeah.
(source is my old bible class textbook which i don’t have on me anymore :( )

HOLY SHIT WHAT
I MEAN CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I REMEMBER READING A STORY IN THE BIBLE WHERE JESUS CLEANED THE ‘FEET’ OF A LADY PROSTITUTE INFRONT OF HIS TWELVE DISCIPLES WHO GOT SERIOUSLY GROSSED OUT. THEM GETTING REALLY SUPER GROSSED OUT BY THAT NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME UNTIL NOW.
JESUS CHRIST JESUS.
YOU NASTY.

#WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN JESUS IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS JESUS
THAT HASHTAG I”m—-—

Plot Twist: The Bible is full of blowjobs
saltwaterandink:

leviswaxedass:

dahniwitchoflight:

leviswaxedass:

disneydamselestelle:

scottylubemeup:

THIS WAS A CHILDRENS MOVIE
A CHILDRENS BIBLE MOVIE

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Amen

FUN FACT: in hebrew, “feet” is a euphemism for genitals.
so if you ever see “washing feet” in the bible, it, uh. yeah.
(source is my old bible class textbook which i don’t have on me anymore :( )

HOLY SHIT WHAT
I MEAN CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I REMEMBER READING A STORY IN THE BIBLE WHERE JESUS CLEANED THE ‘FEET’ OF A LADY PROSTITUTE INFRONT OF HIS TWELVE DISCIPLES WHO GOT SERIOUSLY GROSSED OUT. THEM GETTING REALLY SUPER GROSSED OUT BY THAT NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME UNTIL NOW.
JESUS CHRIST JESUS.
YOU NASTY.

#WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN JESUS IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS JESUS
THAT HASHTAG I”m—-—

Plot Twist: The Bible is full of blowjobs
saltwaterandink:

leviswaxedass:

dahniwitchoflight:

leviswaxedass:

disneydamselestelle:

scottylubemeup:

THIS WAS A CHILDRENS MOVIE
A CHILDRENS BIBLE MOVIE

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Amen

FUN FACT: in hebrew, “feet” is a euphemism for genitals.
so if you ever see “washing feet” in the bible, it, uh. yeah.
(source is my old bible class textbook which i don’t have on me anymore :( )

HOLY SHIT WHAT
I MEAN CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I REMEMBER READING A STORY IN THE BIBLE WHERE JESUS CLEANED THE ‘FEET’ OF A LADY PROSTITUTE INFRONT OF HIS TWELVE DISCIPLES WHO GOT SERIOUSLY GROSSED OUT. THEM GETTING REALLY SUPER GROSSED OUT BY THAT NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME UNTIL NOW.
JESUS CHRIST JESUS.
YOU NASTY.

#WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN JESUS IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS JESUS
THAT HASHTAG I”m—-—

Plot Twist: The Bible is full of blowjobs
saltwaterandink:

leviswaxedass:

dahniwitchoflight:

leviswaxedass:

disneydamselestelle:

scottylubemeup:

THIS WAS A CHILDRENS MOVIE
A CHILDRENS BIBLE MOVIE

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Amen

FUN FACT: in hebrew, “feet” is a euphemism for genitals.
so if you ever see “washing feet” in the bible, it, uh. yeah.
(source is my old bible class textbook which i don’t have on me anymore :( )

HOLY SHIT WHAT
I MEAN CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I REMEMBER READING A STORY IN THE BIBLE WHERE JESUS CLEANED THE ‘FEET’ OF A LADY PROSTITUTE INFRONT OF HIS TWELVE DISCIPLES WHO GOT SERIOUSLY GROSSED OUT. THEM GETTING REALLY SUPER GROSSED OUT BY THAT NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME UNTIL NOW.
JESUS CHRIST JESUS.
YOU NASTY.

#WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN JESUS IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS JESUS
THAT HASHTAG I”m—-—

Plot Twist: The Bible is full of blowjobs

saltwaterandink:

leviswaxedass:

dahniwitchoflight:

leviswaxedass:

disneydamselestelle:

scottylubemeup:

THIS WAS A CHILDRENS MOVIE

A CHILDRENS BIBLE MOVIE

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Amen

FUN FACT: in hebrew, “feet” is a euphemism for genitals.

so if you ever see “washing feet” in the bible, it, uh. yeah.

(source is my old bible class textbook which i don’t have on me anymore :( )

HOLY SHIT WHAT

I MEAN CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I REMEMBER READING A STORY IN THE BIBLE WHERE JESUS CLEANED THE ‘FEET’ OF A LADY PROSTITUTE INFRONT OF HIS TWELVE DISCIPLES WHO GOT SERIOUSLY GROSSED OUT. THEM GETTING REALLY SUPER GROSSED OUT BY THAT NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME UNTIL NOW.

JESUS CHRIST JESUS.

YOU NASTY.

#WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN JESUS IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS JESUS

THAT HASHTAG I”m—-—

Plot Twist: The Bible is full of blowjobs


dilfgod:

straight friend: aw I don’t understand why you’re still single

me: because approximately 8% of the us population identifies under the lgbtq community where 1.1% identifies as lesbian female, 3.5% as bisexual female, 1.7% as gay male, 1.1% as bisexual male, .3% as trans, and .3% as something else, then there’s finding someone who I’m compatible with emotionally, physically, and romantically from less than 8% of the population, and may or may not live near me


mizzhabibi:

dacuntgod:

sincerely-elsh:

pharoahking:

2damnfeisty:

materiajunkie:

"Curing AIDS? Shit, that’s like Cadillac making a car that lasts for 50 years. And you know they can do it, but they ain’t going to do nothing that fucking dumb. Shit, they got metal on the Space Shuttle that can go around the Moon and withstand  temperatures of up to 20,000 degrees, you mean to tell me you don’t think they can make an El Dorado with a fuckin’ bumper that don’t fall off?"
- Chris Rock (“Bigger and Blacker”, 1999)


#staywoke

Polio was the last disease we cured…….back in the 50’s that was. Let that sink in for a moment.

where was aids before colonialism? It just magically appeared, despite Africans living,interacting, and thriving on the continent for millenia 

I bet everyone in that audience laughed but this is some real shit

2 real
mizzhabibi:

dacuntgod:

sincerely-elsh:

pharoahking:

2damnfeisty:

materiajunkie:

"Curing AIDS? Shit, that’s like Cadillac making a car that lasts for 50 years. And you know they can do it, but they ain’t going to do nothing that fucking dumb. Shit, they got metal on the Space Shuttle that can go around the Moon and withstand  temperatures of up to 20,000 degrees, you mean to tell me you don’t think they can make an El Dorado with a fuckin’ bumper that don’t fall off?"
- Chris Rock (“Bigger and Blacker”, 1999)


#staywoke

Polio was the last disease we cured…….back in the 50’s that was. Let that sink in for a moment.

where was aids before colonialism? It just magically appeared, despite Africans living,interacting, and thriving on the continent for millenia 

I bet everyone in that audience laughed but this is some real shit

2 real
mizzhabibi:

dacuntgod:

sincerely-elsh:

pharoahking:

2damnfeisty:

materiajunkie:

"Curing AIDS? Shit, that’s like Cadillac making a car that lasts for 50 years. And you know they can do it, but they ain’t going to do nothing that fucking dumb. Shit, they got metal on the Space Shuttle that can go around the Moon and withstand  temperatures of up to 20,000 degrees, you mean to tell me you don’t think they can make an El Dorado with a fuckin’ bumper that don’t fall off?"
- Chris Rock (“Bigger and Blacker”, 1999)


#staywoke

Polio was the last disease we cured…….back in the 50’s that was. Let that sink in for a moment.

where was aids before colonialism? It just magically appeared, despite Africans living,interacting, and thriving on the continent for millenia 

I bet everyone in that audience laughed but this is some real shit

2 real
mizzhabibi:

dacuntgod:

sincerely-elsh:

pharoahking:

2damnfeisty:

materiajunkie:

"Curing AIDS? Shit, that’s like Cadillac making a car that lasts for 50 years. And you know they can do it, but they ain’t going to do nothing that fucking dumb. Shit, they got metal on the Space Shuttle that can go around the Moon and withstand  temperatures of up to 20,000 degrees, you mean to tell me you don’t think they can make an El Dorado with a fuckin’ bumper that don’t fall off?"
- Chris Rock (“Bigger and Blacker”, 1999)


#staywoke

Polio was the last disease we cured…….back in the 50’s that was. Let that sink in for a moment.

where was aids before colonialism? It just magically appeared, despite Africans living,interacting, and thriving on the continent for millenia 

I bet everyone in that audience laughed but this is some real shit

2 real
mizzhabibi:

dacuntgod:

sincerely-elsh:

pharoahking:

2damnfeisty:

materiajunkie:

"Curing AIDS? Shit, that’s like Cadillac making a car that lasts for 50 years. And you know they can do it, but they ain’t going to do nothing that fucking dumb. Shit, they got metal on the Space Shuttle that can go around the Moon and withstand  temperatures of up to 20,000 degrees, you mean to tell me you don’t think they can make an El Dorado with a fuckin’ bumper that don’t fall off?"
- Chris Rock (“Bigger and Blacker”, 1999)


#staywoke

Polio was the last disease we cured…….back in the 50’s that was. Let that sink in for a moment.

where was aids before colonialism? It just magically appeared, despite Africans living,interacting, and thriving on the continent for millenia 

I bet everyone in that audience laughed but this is some real shit

2 real

mizzhabibi:

dacuntgod:

sincerely-elsh:

pharoahking:

2damnfeisty:

materiajunkie:

"Curing AIDS? Shit, that’s like Cadillac making a car that lasts for 50 years. And you know they can do it, but they ain’t going to do nothing that fucking dumb. Shit, they got metal on the Space Shuttle that can go around the Moon and withstand  temperatures of up to 20,000 degrees, you mean to tell me you don’t think they can make an El Dorado with a fuckin’ bumper that don’t fall off?"

- Chris Rock (“Bigger and Blacker”, 1999)

image

#staywoke

Polio was the last disease we cured…….back in the 50’s that was. Let that sink in for a moment.

where was aids before colonialism? It just magically appeared, despite Africans living,interacting, and thriving on the continent for millenia 

I bet everyone in that audience laughed but this is some real shit

2 real